Friday Funnies

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just
wouldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each
man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll
shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

Jail time for California file swappers?

California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger signed a law Tuesday establishing
fines and potential jail time for anonymous file swappers. The new law
says that any California resident who sends copyrighted works without
permission to at least 10 other people must include his or her e-mail
address and the title of the work. Swappers who do not include this
information will face fines of up to $2,500 and up to one year in
prison.

Minors can be fined up to $250 for their first two offenses, and a
minor's third offense can bring a $1,000 fine and a year in county
jail. The law provides exemptions for people sending works to immediate
family members and for the transmission of works inside a home network.

Man Tries to Sue Wife for 5-Day Sex Denial

MADRID (Reuters) - A Spanish man tried to have his wife charged with
domestic abuse because she refused to have sex with him on five
consecutive days, Spanish newspaper El Sur reported on Friday.

The middle-aged man from Seville -- the city of Don Juan and Carmen --
said her refusals amounted to "degrading treatment" and domestic abuse,
a term used more often to describe wife-battering.

The judge shelved the case, Andalusia-based El Sur reported.
---
See now if it was the other way around they woulda locked his ass up
untill the judge shelved the case..

=====
"Life is all about ass...either you are covering it, kicking it, kissing it, or trying to get it."

"Thought I found my Serena Williams, more like Kournikova."
-Pash, A Trunk Specialist

"There is no dark side of the moon, it's all dark..."

-More Trees. Less BUSH!!
-Sex is just like software, it's better when it's free.

RAPPER IN SEARCH OF AN ORGASM

Fat Joe and his crew the Terror Squad came in to perform their hit song "Lean Back". Howard was instantly interested in Remy Martin, the female singer in the band. She is a 23 year old black woman who said she has a reputation for not dating black guys, though that is not true, she just hasn't' found one she's interested in yet. It turns out that Remy has never had an orgasm in her life. Not just with another person, but even with herself. Howard couldn't believe that and suggested she get a vibrator. Remy said a lot of time she fakes an orgasm in bed with men just to signal that they should hurry up and finish. Howard bet something tragic happened to her in childhood. Howard started telling her all the stuff that he'd do to her and really started flirting with her. Howard then goofed on LV from the Terror Squad because he seemed to be getting really jealous over that. Howard later pointed out that during the performance of "Lean Back", Remy stared at him the entire time.

Oprah Winfrey Gives Cars to Audience

CHICAGO - Oprah Winfrey celebrated the premiere of her 19th season by surprising each of her 276 audience members with a new car.

AP Photo Reuters Slideshow: Oprah Winfrey

"We're calling this our wildest dream season, because this year on the Oprah show, no dream is too wild, no surprise too impossible to pull off," Winfrey said on the show that aired Monday.

Winfrey said the audience members were chosen because their friends or family had written about their need for a new car. One woman's young son said she drove a car that "looks like she got into a gunfight"; another couple had almost 400,000 miles on their two vehicles.

Making sure the audience was kept in suspense, Winfrey opened the show by calling 11 people onto the stage. She gave each of them a car — a Pontiac G6.

She then had gift boxes distributed to the rest of the audience and said one of the boxes contained keys to a 12th car. But when everyone opened the boxes, each had a set of keys.

"Everybody gets a car! Everybody gets a car! Everybody gets a car!" Winfrey yelled as she jumped up and down on the stage.

The audience screamed, cried and hugged each other — then followed Winfrey out to the parking lot of her Harpo Studios to see their Pontiacs, all decorated with giant red bows.

The cars, which retail for $28,000, were donated by Pontiac.

"A little idea grew into a big idea," Mary Henige of Pontiac told The Associated Press.

She added that Pontiac will pay for the taxes and the customizing of the cars.

In other segments on the show, taped Thursday, Winfrey surprised a 20-year-old girl who had spent years in foster care and homeless shelters with a four-year college scholarship, a makeover and $10,000 in clothes. And a family with eight foster children who were going to be kicked out of their house were given $130,000 to buy and repair the home.

"The Oprah Winfrey Show," which debuted in 1986, is syndicated to 212 domestic markets and 109 countries.

Life in the 21st Century

You know you're living in 2004 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.

14. Leaving the house without your cellphone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and
you turn around to go and get it.

15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING AT YOURSELF!!!

30 harsh things to say to a naked guy:

30 harsh things to say to a naked guy: 

 

1.      I've smoked fatter joints than that.

2.      Awww, it's cute.

3.      Why don't we just cuddle?

4.      You know they have surgery to fix that.

5.      Make it dance.

6.      Can I paint a smiley face on it?

7.      Wow, and your feet are so big.

8.      It's OK, we'll work around it.

9.      Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

10. Oh no... a flash headache.

11. (giggle and point)

12. Can I be honest with you?

13. How sweet, you brought incense.

14. This explains your car.

15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

16. Why is God punishing me?

17. At least this won't take long.

18. I never saw one like that before.

19. But it still works, right?

20. It looks so unused.

21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

23. Are you cold?

24. If you get me really drunk first....

25. Is that an optical illusion?

26. What is that?

27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

28. Does it come with an air pump?

29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

30. I guess this makes me the early bird.

Usher is a punk. Long Live Kanye West

So I went to the User/Kanye Concert in Oakland on Friday Sept 3rd.  First of all Why in the hell didnt they put an opening act.  Kanye Started right at 8pm when the arena was not even half way full..  So by 8:30/8:45 when people sit down they get nothing but Kanye in his Jesus stance and then walks off.. 

 

Then Usher comes on puts on a good show.  Now dont get me wrong I been a Usher fan since, "Think of You". The only problem I had with Usher was that when he was lookin out in the crowd he saw this guy holding up a sign that says, "Usher, I want to battle you." So after his show he calls dude from the audience.  Dude gets up on stage and does his thang and does represent.   Then Usher flips the script and calls his boi from backstage, who comes out and does some off the wall flip in the air and land on your stomach type ish. Then Usher tells dude thanks for being a good sport and then makes him go back to his seat without even dancing back to dude..  Ushers a punk cuz he called dude on his challenge and didnt even battle.  Thats some whack ish right there..  I saw You Got Served and it didnt even end like that. Where im from you'll get your ass whopped for some ish like that.  You lost some stripes with that one Usher.  :(